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Mothers & Childhood Memories

October 20, 2012

Five years ago the lady who modeled strength, persistence, forgiveness and unconditional love left this world. It’s not been quite right since. And in a way it won’t be right ever again. A new standard of right perhaps, but never like it was.

So why and how it is after someone’s gone we remember the regrets? The many good things too but disagreements long forgotten take on a new life. This one was decades old.

Mom always insured we had a good coat every winter – a nice one we could “wear to town” that was warm. In my spoiled bratty teen years I got a nice grey coat, but wanted something else too. She’d said through tears I didn’t understand how hard it was for her to get the nice things for us.

She was right. We had no idea. Zero clue. And it’s heartbreaking looking back at the attitudes presented, oblivious that we had more than many and clueless about the real world workings. But she forgave it.

She wasn’t in to “farm stuff” but was there on the sidelines every year at the 4-H horse show, puzzle book in hand to pass the time. She believed this thing we’re on the verge of would be one day. And it was from her the determination to keep going to reach it – years after many would have given up – prevails.

There’s a part of me that remembers waiting for her to get off work at the cafe, and the whispers of people disproving of children waiting in such a manner. I remember above it the chance to observe the adult world and single digit ages, and wanting to defend against the negativity.

Regret is hard to deal with. Regret can too easily become guilt, and no mother who is healthy wants kids to carry guilt, no matter how old they are. So it became a chance to model her forgiveness – of myself for things said long ago in ignorance.

It’s also three years since Helen collapsed and became sick, the beginning of the end of another November born influence. There are some who still haven’t come to that realization of what, really, was lost. Connor knows…far too young.

So today’s a day of remembering the good things. Of hoping she’d be proud of the things that have happened. And of passing it on.

Miss you Mom.

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